Dreaming

I had a dream last night that we had a baby girl. In my dream, B asked me if I was happy with a girl and my response was, "I'm just happy we had a baby."

I drove to work this morning and had a feeling that I would get results today. It made me sad thinking that I would then have to tell B my dream couldn't come true.

My cell phone rang a couple times this morning and my heart dropped each time, but it wasn't CCRM either time. But then it rang again. And it was CCRM. I answered and it was Dr. Surrey. After asking how I was, he said "you don't have to sound so terrified." He then said, "As you know, we biopsied 3 embryos." I couldn't believe he was going through background, I just wanted to know. But then he said "and 2 are normal."

I am still in shock. I was praying for one normal and really expected for them all to be abnormal.

Of course, this doesn't answer any questions as to why I keep miscarrying. So, before we transfer I am going to see an immunologist/rheumatologist that Dr. M recommended. His first appointment wasn't until mid-November, which isn't that far away. Until then I am going to back in the hope of my 2 normals.

Waiting

I have written on each Monday in my calendar how many weeks it has been. I was somewhat surprised when I turned my calendar to Monday this week and saw "3 weeks." My thoughts were "already?" and "that's it?" at the same time. It seems like only yesterday that I was waiting to hear how many blasts had been biopsied, but it also seems like an eternity ago.

The wait has really not been bad. Sure, my cell phone will ring during the day and my heart drops thinking "this is it." But, I am not dwelling or obsessing over it. However, I did find out that results came in at 3w3d for a girl whose biopsies were sent out exactly a week before mine. 3w3d? That's today. I don't think I am ready for the news. I really like this safe place of limbo.

I am guessing that I will get the results sometime in the next week. I am hopeful and sick about it at the same time. I just really want good news for once.

Surfacing

I did go to Colorado, we did end up with blasts to test. But, it certainly wasn't easy, although it was quick, getting there.

I went to Dr. M's office on that Friday for scan/blood. The scan showed three follicles growing on my right (at 18 (!), 14, and 14) and one on my left at 11ish. I had two super small ones, one on each side, that hadn't grown. The cyst, thank goodness, had not grown, either. Later that day, I found out my E2 was 625, which is crazy high for me after only 4 days of stims. When I talked to my nurse at CCRM that afternoon, she gave me a heads up that we would probably be triggering sooner than expected (Sunday or Monday) based on that lead follicle at 18.

We left for CO the next afternoon. B originally intended to come out there with me on Saturday, do his frozen back-up Monday morning, and fly back home Monday afternoon so he could be at an important presentation on Tuesday. However, based on my nurse advising that it was possible we would trigger Sunday, we had to plan accordingly. So, we left not really knowing when we were coming home and if B would make his presentation.

We went to CCRM Sunday morning for blood/scan. The scan showed basically the same (three on the left, one on the right with a few smaller ones). I asked the nurse that was there that day to call my cell as soon as she knew what was going on and told her that, if at all possible, I wanted to trigger Monday. B and I went back to the hotel for a little while and then decided to go hiking. We drove up to the Red Rock area and started hiking--it was a beautiful day, 80 degrees and sunny. I hiked with my phone in my hand, constantly checking to see whether I had service. When I hadn't heard from the nurse at 1:30, I made B turn around on the hike and head back to an area where I did have service. I ultimately reached her and she told me that I was triggering at 10 pm that night for a Tuesday morning retrieval. I felt quite defeated and we ended our hike early. Thank goodness because by the time we got back to the hotel it was raining pretty hard.

Sunday night consisted of watching football, rearranging flights, canceling our hotel after Wednesday, and B talking to his partner to let him know he would not be at the presentation.

Monday morning I got up and got ready to go to CCRM for blood, my IVF physical (which had to be done that day, obviously), and genetic counseling. B decided he was going to stay at the hotel and work, so I went alone. It was raining and pretty cold when I got there. However, I was pretty surprised when the genetic counselor came back into the room after stepping out during our meeting and told me that it was snowing! The only major thing that morning, was the GC telling me that their protocol is to do PBB when someone has less than 6 fertilized embryos. I knew that we would have less than 6 fertilized embryos, and I told her that we were going to blast no matter what. I didn't go all the way to CCRM to do PBB. I had to sign some consents because of that, but she was fine with it.

The retrieval on Tuesday was fine, once I got used to the fact that Dr. Surrey wouldn't be doing the retrieval. Dr. Gustafson did it and he seemed nice enough. Dr. Surrey did come see me in my drugged haze afterwards and told me that we had 6 eggs. I was pleasantly surprised with that. Imagine my surprise with the embryologist came by and told B and I that there were actually 7! Recovery from the retrieval was, as usual, easy and we flew home late that night.

Wednesday morning I learned that 4 of the 7 had been mature and all 4 fertilized. None of the others had matured overnight. On day 3, I was advised that all 4 were looking good and were 8 cells. At that point I felt pretty confident that we would have 2 blasts, which I was fine with. I just really wanted more than one, so that I didn't only have an "answer" for one embryo.

On Monday of this week, I heard that they had biopsied 3(!) blasts. They had biopsied one on day 5-a 4BB, and two more on day 6-a 4BB and a 2/3. The fourth had apparently made it to early blast, but then stopped growing, so we almost had 4. I am pretty happy with 3, though.

We had a regroup with Surrey yesterday. Basically, he said our embryos looked great on day 3 and the blasts certainly could result in a pregnancy. He seemed pleased with the outcome and said stimming that fast is normal on Saizen. He said he would call as soon as he receives the Microarray results, but to call him in mid-November if I still haven't heard. He said "hopefully we'll have one or more to transfer, but there is a possibility that all will be abnormal."

So, now we wait. And at the end of this, at the very least, we'll hopefully have an answer.

Stimulating

Again, catch up.

FSH was 10.1 and I got the all clear to start the pill. I took the pill for 13 days and spotted for the last 8 of those days. I saw Dr. M on Thursday of last week for a scan/blood. Still had the cyst, still the same size, but got the all clear to start lupron on Saturday, although with the caveat that it was a possibility that the cyst could grow and we would have to cancel the cycle.

So, I started lupron and saizen on Saturday and started stims today (5 shots a day, a record for me). I go back to Dr. M's office (he'll be out of town so, I am seeing another RE in the office) Friday for another scan/blood. If the cyst isn't wreaking havoc, I leave for CO on Saturday and tentative retrieval is the 25th.

Part of me is excited that we are finally getting the show on the road and the other part is in denial and waiting for this cycle to be cancelled. I hope that part of me doesn't win.

Catch Up

A lot has happened since my last post. I keep meaning to write a new post, but my nights get away from me and I don't want to post from my office.

So....we had our re-group with Surrey last week. A few days before that, I got a call from my RN to let me know my AMH number. It was not so good, a .6. So, I freaked out and proceeded to second-guess myself and wonder whether it was even worth it to do another cycle with my eggs. After reading a couple success stories of women that had lower AMH levels, I started to feel a little better. Our re-group was pretty uneventful. The only thing new we discussed was the protocol that he was going to put me on--Microdose Lupron. At our one-day he had mentioned an Estrogen Priming Protocol so, I questioned this and voiced my concerns about being on the pill and lupron. He said he thought this was the best for me and I chose to trust him.

I had my endometrial biopsy last Friday. It was not anywhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be and my results came back normal today. So, that is something good.

I also had my day 2 blood drawn and an ultrasound to check the cyst on my left ovary this morning. Dr. M did the ultrasound and the cyst was still there--he said "oh you mean this cyst that has been here forever?" He said he didn't think that would stop us from proceeding and he was right, I got the all clear from Dr. Surrey to go ahead and start the BCP tomorrow. I should get my blood results tomorrow and hopefully my FSH won't be crazy high (which, he says is 15) and we can actually proceed.

I will be on the pill for 13 days, take a day off and then go in for a baseline ultrasound and blood on the 10th. If that is OK, I will start lupron on the 12th and stims on the 14th.

I am looking forward to getting going with this cycle, but it terrifies me at the same time. I am living in a constant state of self-doubt these days. Wondering whether this is the right thing to do, whether it will be a waste of time and money, whether the protocol is right, etc., etc. I know I have to trust in the doctors--CCRM is, after all, the top clinic in the country. I guess I am just scared because this really is it for us with my eggs.

Crap

I am sick of it. Sick of getting bad news. Sick of having my heart broken again and again. I don't understand why we can't catch a break.

Why do people who so deserve to have a baby have to be given the glimmer of opportunity, only to be shit upon once again?

My heat is broken for Mo and Sprog. I don't know them, and they certainly don't know me, but we are in this together and that counts for something.

Still, despite this crap of a week, we are in this together, and we will soldier on and, hopefully, survive.

One-Day Whirlwind

I am exhausted, but we survived.

Our flight left at 8 pm on Tuesday night, we got to our hotel in CO a little after midnight. We were in bed by 1. We had to be at CCRM at 7:30. At about 5 am a cell phone started ringing, it sounded like it was in our room, and was the same ring that I use for B's calls on my phone. It wasn't my phone or B, who was in bed asleep next to me. It kept ringing every 15 minutes for the next hour, until I finally got up at 6.

We had a quick breakfast at our hotel before we left for CCRM. I watched the plane with Euna Lee and Laura Ling land and their family greet them live, and I sobbed in the lobby of the hotel.

Got to CCRM right on time. It is amazing--so big. A bastion of infertility in the middle of nowhere.

Our first appt. was ultrasound/doppler at 7:30. It took about 10 minutes and everything looked great, except for the cyst I have on the left.

Next was the hysteroscopy. Met Surrey in person for the first time, talked about LA, he did the procedure and said everything looked great.

We then had our sit-down with him. We discussed that my embryos look good, the tests that we had done (all looked good so far), were going to do, the two protocols that he is considering for me, and timing. He said we should have a follow-up phone consult in a couple weeks once all results are in.

Next was B's turn for fun. I asked him movie or magazine. He said movie and he thinks he has seen it before.

We then met with the genetic counselor. She recognized that we weren't newbies and we had a quick conversation about our options, statistics, etc.

Next was our nurse consult. She acknowledged that we knew what we were doing and we combined the two consults, that are supposed to be an hour each, into one meeting that lasted about 30 min.

Next was the Business Office. She commented on the number of cycles we had done. We went over prices for everything (!) and discussed the insurance coverage that we have left.

Finally, we had the consent review. Again, a comment, questions, and shock expressed about how many cycles we had done. We finished the consents in about 15 minutes--she said she normally has to give them to people to take home because it takes so long.

We were then done with CCRM--a little over an hour early--and had a couple hours to kill before my HSG across the street at the Hospital. We went to a Mexican restaurant and I rewarded myself with a mini Margarita. We discussed the fact that the morning had gone well and the only thing I was shocked with was everybody's shock at how experienced we were and how many cycles we had done. I figured that CCRM would be used to having people who have been through the infertility wringer.

After lunch we headed to the hospital for my HSG ( I figured it would be easiest to get it done when out there). B was exhausted and I told him to sleep, so I went in by myself. A nurse came and got me and took me back. Once we were in the room she started to give me the drill and was really out of breath. I asked her if she was ok, she said "yes, i am just pregnant and he is sitting on my lungs." I would pay money to see what my expression was at that moment....

The HSG was fine. Apparently, both tubes are clear, which is odd. They had problems with the left and I told them that it was pinned down, but then it started flowing.

After my HSG, we had about 7 hours before our flight. B would have been fine taking a nap in the car and then going straight to the airport, but damn it, we paid the money to come to Denver, we might as well see it. So, we drove aimlessly toward downtown. We didn't really know we were going, or anything about downtown Denver, but we ended up parking the car and walking around. We got the dog a new collar and leash and had appetizers and some wine and a really good/cute restaurant. It was, actually, a really nice way to end the day.

We didn't get home until 11:30, and I am tired, but it will hopefully all be worth it one day.

Wherein I Lose My Shit

A couple of weeks ago, one of my friends in my office was laid off. I feel terrible for her, especially because her husband recently lost his job, as well. But, honestly, I was a little relieved. Why? Because she just started trying to get pregnant and I knew that I wouldn't have to be confronted with it on a daily basis. Yesterday was her last day, and yesterday she told me that she is pregnant. First month trying. So, part of me was not sad that I won't see her everyday for the next 9 months.

About a week ago, another girl in my office (who I am not really friends with) fainted. My first thought? Rather than, "is she ok," it was "I bet she's pregnant." Well, she is. 4 months along. Like I said, I'm not really friends with her, so it won't be something I'll have to deal with on an everyday basis, but it's there.

And, finally, just to emphasize what an awful person this crap has made me, another girl in my office who is out on maternity leave (she got pregnant on "accident" and already kicked her boyfriend, father of the baby, out of the house--a week after baby was born) came by with the baby this week. I heard them down the hall and just knew I couldn't deal. So, I closed the door of my office and called my Dad and told him he had to talk to me so I could pretend I was on an important call. It worked, they walked right by, but I really feel like a terrible person and wonder if I will ever be able to be honestly happy for people that get pregnant and have babies easily. What I really wonder is if it will ever be me.

In other news, one-day work-up at CCRM is scheduled for next Wednesday. In the midst of all of the above drama, I had to deal with scheduling that (with a nurse who wasn't very pleasant) and realized that just the traveling portion of it will cost us about a grand. It all happened on the same day and I was at my wit's end. B and I talked that night, as he was freaking out about the money aspect of it, and having to take another day off of work (he's been gone a lot lately), and we ultimately agreed that this is something that we need to do. So, we are. The next day, B's horoscope was, "Your beliefs about money may be keeping you from taking action to make your wishes come true. What you dream about isn't going to be as expensive as you think. But not going for it will cost you a piece of your soul." Very apropos, no?

The Mind Is A Terrible Thing

Last week my acupuncturist was concerned that my HCG had not gone back down as he said I was still hormonal according to my pulse. The last Beta I had was three weeks ago and it was at 4,500 and change. Dr. M didn't think we needed to do another one (at least he never mentioned that I should) and I no longer felt pregnant after the majority of the bleeding was over.

Then I started to feel pregnant again. So I took a test on Sunday morning. It wasn't definitely positive. But I can see something there. Like a shadow of a line. But, I have to have some imagination to see it. I honestly don't know if there is something there or if my mind is messing with me. And, even if there was a line there, it probably is just leftover HCG from the blighted ovum. Right?

Consulted and Insulted

We had our follow-up consult with Dr. Surrey at CCRM on Tuesday. It went relatively well. Basically, he agrees that it is most likely an egg issue and our best chance would be through an egg donor. That said, he agreed that a cycle with CGH/microarray is a feasible option and would, if nothing more, "at least give us an answer." He doesn't believe in immune issues and said he wouldn't even put me on the Prednisone and Lovenox that I was on for the last two cycles. However, we have pretty much made up our minds that we will go forward with a CGH/microarray cycle at CCRM. We have some insurance that will pay for part of the cycle and, as Surrey said, it will give us an answer, if not a baby. I think it would make the DE decision a lot easier to make knowing that my eggs are the issue. So, we'll head out to CCRM and do our one-day workup with my next cycle and then cycle in September or October.

I rehashed the CCRM consult with Dr. M that afternoon and he agrees that CGH is the way to go. He told me to call him if I need anything in the meantime and that he is "in this for the long haul." Sigh....
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On to a completely different topic....I read an article this morning that sparks an issue I have been struggling with for the past couple years. About a month after my D&C after IVF #2, I received a significant raise. I remember thinking that the miscarriage was OK as there was no way I would have received the raise had I been pregnant. The industry I am in is just not mommy friendly. You have to make a decision--your career or family. Yes, you can do both, but it doesn't seem that you are going to do either well, especially in my specialty, which requires ridiculously long hours. I haven't had to face the decision, yet, and have been fairly successful in my career thus far. Would I give it all up in a heartbeat for a baby? Of course. Do I wish that I could have both? Absolutely. I guess we'll see where the chips fall when they do. Until then, I work my ass off to pay for the opportunity to get the one thing that I want so bad that will apparently ruin my career.

Up and Down

One minute, I'm fine and looking forward to our consult with CCRM and the potential of a cycle there. The next, I am convinced that it will be a waste of time and money and simply more heartache. I feel scattered and schizophrenic. Hopefully the actual consult will give me a better feeling one way or the other. Until then, I may need a straightjacket.

Not As Expected

I saw Dr. M for the final time as his patient this morning. The good news is that my uterus is clear and it was the easiest miscarriage, ever. He said, "I guess we should have expected it would not go as expected with you."

The bad, or actually sad, news is that I am no longer his patient. It was hard. He said that he wished I was leaving because I was pregnant. I told him he couldn't succeed with everyone, but he has had so much success that I am sure it is difficult to not be able to provide that for each of his patients. He asked me if I had everything I needed for the consult next week. He also asked me to call and let him know how the consult went. I told him I would. It was a quick appointment and he was gone like that. It wasn't what I expected, although I am not sure what I expected. I guess it is just hard to believe that this is the end of our journey with him.

So, onward and upward (hopefully).

The Break Up

I broke up with Dr. M today. What did he do to deserve this? Gave me the donor egg talk.

We had our follow-up consult (by phone) with Dr. M this afternoon. First, I filled him in on the lack of bleeding/pain I have been experiencing. He said I need to come in for a scan. (I go in tomorrow morning and hopefully this will just have been the easiest miscarriage ever.)

Then we moved on to the reason he wanted us all to talk again. He said that based on what happened with this last cycle, and the fact that my uterus supported and held on to a failing pregnancy, he no longer thinks that a GS is the right choice. Rather, he thinks that DE would be more appropriate. That said, he didn't say that was our only option. He seemed open to me cycling again with my eggs. I asked about CGH and we discussed the issues with it in detail. He said that basically only two clinics are doing it in the US. When I told him that if we pursued it, it would be with Colorado, he was relieved. We then talked about the doctors in Colorado we are looking into (Schoolcraft and Surrey) and he had nothing but great things to say about them both. He agreed that CGH was a good next step for us and said that he would call and discuss me with either doctor in Colorado if we needed him to and "of course" would do my monitoring if we do cycle there.

It makes me really sad that our path with Dr. M has ended. He is a fabulous doctor and person and I wanted to have success with him. I also know that I won't be able to duplicate this relationship with any other RE, especially if cycling out-of-state. That said, I know this is the right choice for us right now. So, I'll go home and bake for the final time (for now, perhaps more if we do a CCRM cycle and he does our monitoring) for Dr. M. And next week we will have our follow-up consult with CCRM and start down that path.

Over...Again

Scan and blood yesterday. Scan showed empty gestational sac that had grown a little. HCG went up, but basically plateaued, to 4,555. I started light bleeding on Tuesday so, we decided to let my body continue to handle this. Hopefully the pain won't be too bad as we are headed to the desert for the weekend for a friend's 40th/4th of July. I think I am being a little naive about how bad it might be, though.

I asked Dr. M if the fact that this turned out to be a blighted ovum, rather than the chemical pregnancy we originally thought, changed his opinion about a gestational surrogate being the way to go. He said it did. He didn't want to tell me DE were the way to go at that point and wanted me to schedule a follow-up so the three of us could talk in light of this new development. It is scheduled for Monday afternoon. I am guessing that he will give us the DE talk then. I guess he wanted B to be there?

I am still processing all of this and just can't believe we are here--DE or GS. We just can't afford to pursue a GS right now and it sounds like it may not even be worth it. As for DE, I vacillate between being totally OK with it and it terrifying me. So, we have preliminarily decided to take a different path. Our plan, for the moment, is to do another cycle with my eggs at CCRM and do CGH. Hopefully that will give us a complete picture of whether our embryos are viable. There are of course, a lot of issues with this choice that need to be discussed such as cost, my poor response, and the failure of all of our embryos to survive the thaw. But, for now, this is the option that we are going to pursue. We have a follow-up consult with CCRM on July 14. Until then, I am going to try to take a break from all this craziness and find some happiness again. Oh, and miscarry...

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Another scan, more blood this morning. Ultrasound showed definite intrauterine pregnancy and the sac had grown a couple mm's. We decided Methotrexate was off the table and that we would wait and see what my numbers did today. If they plateaued or went down, we would let my body handle if; if they went up, I would go back next week for a repeat of today.

Well, HCG went up to 3,041 (I am guessing on the last two digits, I forget what they were) today. So, more limbo until next Weds. The good news is I will have a definite answer then--there either will be fetal development or there won't.

No More Predictions

Went in yesterday morning for a scan and yet more bloodwork (my 6th Beta). We saw what appeared to be a small sac in the uterus and Dr. M couldn't find anything that looked like an ectopic. I tested at home Sunday and Monday mornings and the tests seemed to be getting lighter, so I told Dr. M that I thought my HCG would go down. He told me thathe wasn't as eager to give me Methotrexate given the sac in my uterus, but worse case scenario, I would ultimately have to have a D&C if we got past the point where I could have the shot. I told him I wanted to avoid the shot if at all possible, but would agree to it if my numbers kept going slowly up. I was thinking there was no chance that was going to happen and my numbers would go down.

Well, Dr. M called yesterday afternoon and I asked if I was right. He said, "No, your number actually doubled from Friday." So, I am going in Thursday for yet another scan and more blood. Is there a chance that this will work out? I honestly have no idea and wasn't able to discuss it with Dr. M when he called as I was at lunch with a co-worker. He didn't seem too positive yesterday morning and I am guessing that didn't change with the less-than-stellar rise. But, the number is going up and there was a small sac. Once again, we wait and see...

Not 2

It appears that this is not my miracle and is either option number one or three. Despite the fact that my Beta rose to six-sixty-something (not sure of the last digit) on Wednesday, it was only 958 today. Not continuing to double, not a "normal" pregnancy. Dr. M said it's 50/50 right now whether this is a chemical pregnancy "continuing to hold on" or an ectopic.

We did a scan on Wednesday and he couldn't see any evidence of an ectopic. He didn't see anything in my uterus, either. I go in Monday morning for another scan and more blood work to see what is going on. He said even if we don't see anything Monday and my numbers are continuing to rise, he will just give me a shot of Methotrexate, which I would really like to avoid if possible. For now, we remain in limbo, but at least with the knowledge, once again, that this is not going to turn out well.

Logically, I shouldn't be as upset as I am. It was a chemical. I processed and grieved that and was starting to come out of my funk. But then that little glimmer of hope came in. And, emotionally, I am processing it all again.

I know that we are lucky. We have been able to explore this path and, hopefully, will be able to continue. But, it really doesn't make the hurt less thinking I will probably not give birth to our baby.

In WTF news, we went ahead with that meeting on Wednesday. Dr. M said he doesn't think egg quality is our issue. He thinks it is a uterine issue and a gestational surrogate is the way to go. If only we had a money tree outside. We are basically already a gestational surrogate into this, dollarwise, and just can't afford to go that route right now--unless we could find someone willing to be a surrogate for us without using an agency. While my sister-in-law and a couple friends have hypothetically offered, it is now real and I just don't feel comfortable asking that question.

I asked about IVIg and he referred me to a rheumatologist that he works with (he's not such a fan of reproductive immunologists) to see what he has to say. I also went ahead and sent my records to the Beer Center to see what they think.

So, we'll explore the immune aspect and, if we think it is worth it/warranted, give it one more shot with the addition of IVIg. And then we'll go from there...

Drama

Well, there was a reason the test was clearly darker last night--my Beta rose to 294 today. After multiple phone calls with nurses, who didn't give me much information at all, Dr. M finally called this evening and said we just need to wait and see what the number continues to do. Basically there are three options: (1) it is a chemical pregnancy that will plateau and then fall; (2) it is a pregnancy that started late and may turn out to be normal; (3) it is ectopic. I am hoping and praying that it turns out to be number two. I had an overwhelming feeling last week that this was my miracle and that it was going to turn out to be fine. Hopefully the number continues to rise and will get back on track.

We have our WTF appointment scheduled for Weds. afternoon. So, I will go in for blood Weds. morning and then we will get the results that afternoon when we are there for the appointment. Dr. M asked if I wanted to postpone that appointment, but I said I would rather continue with it and see what happens. Hopefully it will be good news and the talk of surrogate vs. egg donor will be all hypothetical. Fingers crossed...

WTF

So, I never started bleeding after stopping my meds a week ago Friday. With my previous two chemical pregnancies, I started bleeding two and three days after stopping meds, respectively. I called and talked to a nurse at Dr. M's office on Friday morning and she didn't seem that concerned--she said that my HCG level had still been elevated (at 16.8!?!?) and said I should call on Monday morning if I still hadn't started. I have had some pinkish discharge the past few days and now it has turned red. But, I feel pregnant. I was beginning to think that the pregnancy was progressing, but stopping the drugs was making me miscarry, so B and I decided I should test tonight. Wouldn't you know it, it is clearly positive-darker than it has been this cycle, and significantly darker than it was last Friday morning, when my Beta was 16.8. I just called and talked to Dr. M and he said not to start hormones again and to come in tomorrow morning for blood to see what is going on. Seriously, why is nothing easy with me??

Lost

It's the only way I can describe how I feel right now. Beta went down to 16.8 on Friday. Dr. M and I briefly discussed what this means. Basically, the answer is we don't know--could be my eggs, could be uterine issues. Egg donor and Surrogate are basically my options, though he couldn't say which is the right one to pursue, because we just don't know. He does want to have a sit down with B and me (which is nice, normally it is by phone) to discuss what we should do next. He said he'll go over my chart and see if there are any missing immune issues that an immunologist may be able to address.

The worst part of this is B being gone having fun with his friends while I am at home completely miserable. He's been gone since Wednesday. He comes home tomorrow morning. We have discussed him coming home this evening and he finally told me this afternoon that he wanted to stay, he doesn't see his friends that often, and wants to stay and have fun. I get it, I just wish his choice was me and not his friends. I just feel so lost and abandoned right now.

And, to top it all off, the dog threw up three times last night (all on the carpet, which we have very little of, but he seeks out when vomiting) and the cat pooped on the dog's bed. The universe seems to be giving me the finger right now.

Prayers

I could use some right now. I am in the midst of IVF #7 (my fifth transfer). To make a long story short, we retrieved 5 and 4 fertilized. We thawed the one we had frozen and ended up with two early blasts on day 5, which we transferred. The embryologist said that each had an over 50% chance of implanting.

I decided not to test this cycle because I didn't want to see the negative. Rather, I preferred to live in the "maybe." However, B left yesterday morning for his annual guys' golf trip (which always seems to have terrible timing, but that's another story), so we tested Tuesday, and it was positive. However, my Beta yesterday was only 31.5. I go back tomorrow to see what it is doing, but this seems eerily similar to my two previous chemical pregnancies. I am so hoping and praying that it's not. That I will be one of those who starts out with a ridiculously low Beta and ends up with a baby. We'll see...

12.2.08

So, I didn't surge on my own and triggered last Monday morning. I went in this morning for a scan to check and make sure that I had ovulated and didn't have any cysts, at which time Dr. M intended to start me on lupron. Well, not so much.

Turns out that I have a HUGE (4x3) cyst on my left ovary. Dr. M just seems to be at a loss and even said that the picture of him that I am using as a dartboard must be getting a lot of holes in it. I know this is not his fault, but it does seem like everything does keep going wrong. I feel like I am in good hands, but we are going to have a consult with Dr. Surrey at CCRM next week just to see what he has to say. I figure it can't hurt, might help.

Dr. D, my new acupuncturist (I switched about a month ago) is working to get rid of the cyst. I have new herbs and he told me to cut sugar, alcohol, and caffeine out completely. He also told me to exercise as much as possible, take saunas, steams, etc., as cysts are filled with fluid and sweating will help make it go away. B was very happy to hear that tip...

I start Estrace pills and progesterone suppositories today to hold my period off for awhile to hopefully give the cyst time to go away. I go back to Dr. M a week next Tuesday morning to see what the status of the cyst is. If it is still there and large, then I will have to go on birth control for three more weeks and then start lupron. I am so tried of waiting, but there is nothing else I can do at this point...