Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Another scan, more blood this morning. Ultrasound showed definite intrauterine pregnancy and the sac had grown a couple mm's. We decided Methotrexate was off the table and that we would wait and see what my numbers did today. If they plateaued or went down, we would let my body handle if; if they went up, I would go back next week for a repeat of today.

Well, HCG went up to 3,041 (I am guessing on the last two digits, I forget what they were) today. So, more limbo until next Weds. The good news is I will have a definite answer then--there either will be fetal development or there won't.

No More Predictions

Went in yesterday morning for a scan and yet more bloodwork (my 6th Beta). We saw what appeared to be a small sac in the uterus and Dr. M couldn't find anything that looked like an ectopic. I tested at home Sunday and Monday mornings and the tests seemed to be getting lighter, so I told Dr. M that I thought my HCG would go down. He told me thathe wasn't as eager to give me Methotrexate given the sac in my uterus, but worse case scenario, I would ultimately have to have a D&C if we got past the point where I could have the shot. I told him I wanted to avoid the shot if at all possible, but would agree to it if my numbers kept going slowly up. I was thinking there was no chance that was going to happen and my numbers would go down.

Well, Dr. M called yesterday afternoon and I asked if I was right. He said, "No, your number actually doubled from Friday." So, I am going in Thursday for yet another scan and more blood. Is there a chance that this will work out? I honestly have no idea and wasn't able to discuss it with Dr. M when he called as I was at lunch with a co-worker. He didn't seem too positive yesterday morning and I am guessing that didn't change with the less-than-stellar rise. But, the number is going up and there was a small sac. Once again, we wait and see...

Not 2

It appears that this is not my miracle and is either option number one or three. Despite the fact that my Beta rose to six-sixty-something (not sure of the last digit) on Wednesday, it was only 958 today. Not continuing to double, not a "normal" pregnancy. Dr. M said it's 50/50 right now whether this is a chemical pregnancy "continuing to hold on" or an ectopic.

We did a scan on Wednesday and he couldn't see any evidence of an ectopic. He didn't see anything in my uterus, either. I go in Monday morning for another scan and more blood work to see what is going on. He said even if we don't see anything Monday and my numbers are continuing to rise, he will just give me a shot of Methotrexate, which I would really like to avoid if possible. For now, we remain in limbo, but at least with the knowledge, once again, that this is not going to turn out well.

Logically, I shouldn't be as upset as I am. It was a chemical. I processed and grieved that and was starting to come out of my funk. But then that little glimmer of hope came in. And, emotionally, I am processing it all again.

I know that we are lucky. We have been able to explore this path and, hopefully, will be able to continue. But, it really doesn't make the hurt less thinking I will probably not give birth to our baby.

In WTF news, we went ahead with that meeting on Wednesday. Dr. M said he doesn't think egg quality is our issue. He thinks it is a uterine issue and a gestational surrogate is the way to go. If only we had a money tree outside. We are basically already a gestational surrogate into this, dollarwise, and just can't afford to go that route right now--unless we could find someone willing to be a surrogate for us without using an agency. While my sister-in-law and a couple friends have hypothetically offered, it is now real and I just don't feel comfortable asking that question.

I asked about IVIg and he referred me to a rheumatologist that he works with (he's not such a fan of reproductive immunologists) to see what he has to say. I also went ahead and sent my records to the Beer Center to see what they think.

So, we'll explore the immune aspect and, if we think it is worth it/warranted, give it one more shot with the addition of IVIg. And then we'll go from there...

Drama

Well, there was a reason the test was clearly darker last night--my Beta rose to 294 today. After multiple phone calls with nurses, who didn't give me much information at all, Dr. M finally called this evening and said we just need to wait and see what the number continues to do. Basically there are three options: (1) it is a chemical pregnancy that will plateau and then fall; (2) it is a pregnancy that started late and may turn out to be normal; (3) it is ectopic. I am hoping and praying that it turns out to be number two. I had an overwhelming feeling last week that this was my miracle and that it was going to turn out to be fine. Hopefully the number continues to rise and will get back on track.

We have our WTF appointment scheduled for Weds. afternoon. So, I will go in for blood Weds. morning and then we will get the results that afternoon when we are there for the appointment. Dr. M asked if I wanted to postpone that appointment, but I said I would rather continue with it and see what happens. Hopefully it will be good news and the talk of surrogate vs. egg donor will be all hypothetical. Fingers crossed...

WTF

So, I never started bleeding after stopping my meds a week ago Friday. With my previous two chemical pregnancies, I started bleeding two and three days after stopping meds, respectively. I called and talked to a nurse at Dr. M's office on Friday morning and she didn't seem that concerned--she said that my HCG level had still been elevated (at 16.8!?!?) and said I should call on Monday morning if I still hadn't started. I have had some pinkish discharge the past few days and now it has turned red. But, I feel pregnant. I was beginning to think that the pregnancy was progressing, but stopping the drugs was making me miscarry, so B and I decided I should test tonight. Wouldn't you know it, it is clearly positive-darker than it has been this cycle, and significantly darker than it was last Friday morning, when my Beta was 16.8. I just called and talked to Dr. M and he said not to start hormones again and to come in tomorrow morning for blood to see what is going on. Seriously, why is nothing easy with me??

Lost

It's the only way I can describe how I feel right now. Beta went down to 16.8 on Friday. Dr. M and I briefly discussed what this means. Basically, the answer is we don't know--could be my eggs, could be uterine issues. Egg donor and Surrogate are basically my options, though he couldn't say which is the right one to pursue, because we just don't know. He does want to have a sit down with B and me (which is nice, normally it is by phone) to discuss what we should do next. He said he'll go over my chart and see if there are any missing immune issues that an immunologist may be able to address.

The worst part of this is B being gone having fun with his friends while I am at home completely miserable. He's been gone since Wednesday. He comes home tomorrow morning. We have discussed him coming home this evening and he finally told me this afternoon that he wanted to stay, he doesn't see his friends that often, and wants to stay and have fun. I get it, I just wish his choice was me and not his friends. I just feel so lost and abandoned right now.

And, to top it all off, the dog threw up three times last night (all on the carpet, which we have very little of, but he seeks out when vomiting) and the cat pooped on the dog's bed. The universe seems to be giving me the finger right now.

Prayers

I could use some right now. I am in the midst of IVF #7 (my fifth transfer). To make a long story short, we retrieved 5 and 4 fertilized. We thawed the one we had frozen and ended up with two early blasts on day 5, which we transferred. The embryologist said that each had an over 50% chance of implanting.

I decided not to test this cycle because I didn't want to see the negative. Rather, I preferred to live in the "maybe." However, B left yesterday morning for his annual guys' golf trip (which always seems to have terrible timing, but that's another story), so we tested Tuesday, and it was positive. However, my Beta yesterday was only 31.5. I go back tomorrow to see what it is doing, but this seems eerily similar to my two previous chemical pregnancies. I am so hoping and praying that it's not. That I will be one of those who starts out with a ridiculously low Beta and ends up with a baby. We'll see...