5.Over

Well, so much for cycle #5. I was cancelled yesterday as I had a raging dominant follicle on my right ovary, measuring about 18mm, with a few others on my right and left measuring about 8. So, I get to return to the start, Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Oh, and you got to spend $3,000 for nothing.

I go in tomorrow morning for a scan/bloodwork to see if I will ovulate on my own. If I don't, I will be triggered. No Hail Mary IUI, though, as Dr. M wants to start me on a lupron cycle and if I somehow got pregnant from the IUI (ha ha), that would be bad. Not really sure when the lupron would start, but I believe it would be before I start my next period.

A Lupron cycle terrifies me since I am not a spectacular responder as it is. Dr. M said he really didn't want to have to do a lupron cycle with me, but feels it is necessary at this point. I asked him if we should just give up at this point. He said he "would like to try this." So, it appears that "this" will be out last hurrah. Although, I made an appt. for a phone consult with CCRM. It is not until 12/9, but I think it might be good to get a fresh pair of eyes on my non-conducive ovaries.

I should know more about timing tomorrow after my scan.

Underwhelming

I had my first scan/bloodwork of cycle #5 yesterday morning. I had a feeling where it was headed as I was still spotting and my thoughts were confirmed. I have one larger follicle on my right with maybe two other smaller ones and one or two small follicles on the left. It appears that, despite the 375 iu of stims that I am injecting myself with, nothing seems to be growing. The bloodwork confirmed this: my E2 was 71 and my LH was 5.54.

This is basically where we were at this point of cycle #4 and we ultimately retrieved 7 eggs. Dr. M kept me on the same amount of stims and is hoping that things will start growing and my estradiol will begin to rise. I am doing everything I can not to feel dejected already. We started with a higher amount of stims, I am going to acupuncture twice a week, brewing and drinking herbs. Things should be better this time, not more of the same.

Next scan/bloodwork tomorrow (Friday). We'll know more of where this is going then. In the meantime, think good thoughts for my follicles that they grow and recruit some friends to come along for the ride.

On to 5 (Finally)

Well, after much drama, numerous cysts (one of which still hasn't gone away), I finally received the all-clear today to start IVF #5. Yesterday was day 1 and I had my day 2 scan/bloodwork this morning. This morning's scan revealed that the cyst that I had on the right ovary was gone and there were some resting basal follicles over there. The cyst on the left is still there, but is much smaller. Dr. M said it shouldn't interfere with my response, but we'll see.

My labs today:

FSH: 14.2 (which frightens me, but they didn't seem concerned)
E2: >20
P4: 1.05

I start stims tonight--150 of Men.opur and 225 of Brav.elle. This is a new cocktail for me. I have always used Foll.istim, but we are replacing that with the Brav.elle this time. Dr. M says it has more receptors, and will hopefully work better for me.

My feelings of this cycle are mixed. I am hopeful, hoping that the changes we are making (new drugs, new acupuncturist, new herbs) will be the positive agent we need. But, I am also terrified, scared that we will get more bad news, that it won't work, that we'll have another miscarriage. I am trying to focus on the positive and simply take it one step at a time, though.

I find it quite ironic that day 1 fell on 11/13--my due date with my only clinical pregnancy thus far. I am hoping it is a positive sign, a way of redeeming that day. Instead of having a child turning one, I am starting on a new path that will bring me/us to the child we are meant to have.

I see Dr. M again on Weds., 11/19 for my next scan and bloodwork. Will update again after the results are in.

77,602 Reasons Why

I'm baaaaack (again). I started this blog when I was in a really dark place and needed to share. I came back a couple times when I needed to, but then I got away from that place and needed to not focus on me so much and never really got it going. However, I find myself in that place more and more these days and, so, I have decided that I am going to keep up with this. If nothing more than to document what I am going through and to have a place to vent. I will finish my "history" story and get up to date to where we are now (although, not really in a different place than when we started, just a more f'ed up place) soon. For now, I want to talk about the 77,602 reasons why this should have worked.

I just added up the amount of money that we have spent, out of pocket, since our journey began. Yes, you guessed it, $77,602.03. It makes me sick to my stomach to look at that number. The crazy thing is, I am chomping at the bit to start IVF #5. Ready and willing to pay another $12,000 (approx.) to go for another ride. All based on a hope that it will work this time...this time will be the one. We'll be staring $90,000 in the face after this cycle.
Of course, it will have all been worth it, and more, if we end up with a take home baby. It just shows that you can have all the persistence in the world, go to the best doctors, and throw a frightening amount of money at this thing called Infertility and still not conquer it.

The terrifying thing is that there are no guarantees. There is a very good chance (just look at my history) that we will just be out $90,000 with nothing (rather than a few positive pregnancy tests, a lot of heartache, and a very broken C) to show for it. However, the small glimmer of hope keeps me going--I attach to that and ride it thinking this is definitely the one.

I'm Back

Well, I am back after a three month break. And, in that time, I managed to fail IVF #4. I know I need to tell the story of the drama between #3 and #4, because there was plenty, as well as #4, but I can't right now.



Right now I just need to talk about where I am right now. It's not a good place. In fact, it's terrible. I feel like I am drowning--I am but a small piece of who I used to be. The worst part it I don't know if I will ever get the old C back. It has now been two years that we have been traveling down this road and I feel like we are farther away from obtaining our goal than we ever have been. I have absolutely no one IRL that I can talk to about this. Every single one of my friends is either pregnant or has a child (or, worse, both). Even those that have struggled with IF are not "safe" anymore because they now have a child and have seemingly forgotten what it is like to walk in my shoes. I got an e-mail yesterday announcing another pregnancy. I think that is what pushed me over the edge. Everybody else's life is moving on swimmingly while I am stuck treading water--trying not to drown. I don't know where to turn or what to do. So, I am turning to my blog. Hopefully airing my feelings will help somewhat.

What next?

At this point, we were about $35,000 into this and I knew that we couldn't keep going on forever. I thought now might be the time to seek a second opinion. What was happening? Why did I keep implanting and losing it? So, we went to see another doctor. Dr. S was a very famous Beverly Hills RE. I had heard mixed opinions about him. Dr. S. basically suggested that we try IVF again, this time with PGD and he was quite confident. He did was to perform recurrent miscarriage tests to see if anything came up. I left that meeting quite confused as to what to do. Dr. Jan's office was so warm and caring and I felt that Dr. Jan had a vested interest in our success. I felt like I would be just another patient to Dr. S., on the other hand. So, in the end, we decided to give Dr. Jan one more shot.

All the recurrent miscarriage tests, except for a NK assay--which Dr. Jan claimed was b-shit, were performed in early June and all the results came back normal. So, no answer as to what was causing my miscarriages and without the results from the karyotype of the fetus, Dr. Jan was pushing PGD. PGD terrified me--not only did it add $5,000 to the cost, but it was messing with the embryos, and would require a day-4 transfer, something new for us. In the end, we decided to proceed.

After a brief scare where we thought I would have to have surgery because my right ovary had multiple cysts (that were ultimately resolved with the bc pill), we aspirated the remaining endometrioma and were on our way. This cycle was different, though. I wasn't emotionally investing in it, at all. It was like I was distancing everything I had to do in order to protect myself from what I believed would be the outcome. Everytime I walked into Dr. Jan's office, I got this overwhelming sense of dread--just the smell drove me crazy now.

To make a long story short, 6 eggs were retrieved, 5 fertilized. However, only 4 were dividing on day 2, which was July 4th. We had a decision to make--PGD or not? After talking to Dr. Jan, we decided to do the PGD. The morning of the transfer, Dr. Jan called and advised that there were two normal embryos to transfer. So, off we went. When we got there, though, it appeared we may have three as the results on one of them was inconclusive. After much discussion and trying to get ahold of the dr. that did the PGD with no luck, we ended up transferring all three. We told Dr. Jan we didn't want to know the sexes if they were all the same--which he said they were and that the abnormal embryos were the other sex. He also told me that one of the abnormal embryos would have Turner Syndrome. I ended up googling Turner Syndrome and discovering that we had transferred three boys--I was ecstatic and so was B. Now, at least one just needed to stick.

B was leaving on his annual guys' golf trip on a Sat. morning, 7dp5dt, and would be gone for the Beta. I decided to take a test that morning. I took it and quickly covered it while he was in the shower and told him to look when he got out. What do you know--he said "there's two lines." I was so happy, but B said "please don't get too excited." I decided that I would not take another test and would just be happy with that one. However, the lure of the stick was too strong and I ultimately took another one a few days later--it was no darker. I knew where this was headed, and was devastated. B was out of town and I didn't know what to do with myself.

Beta day came and I was sick to my stomach as I walked into Dr. Jan's office. My fears ultimately became reality--my initial Beta was 29, the next day it was 28, and the next day it was 15--another chemical, miscarriage #3. What now??

It's Over!

Our next appt. was March 30th at 10 a.m. I was going to my office first and planned to meet B at Dr. Jan's office. I was nervous and scared all morning and kept trying to tell myself NBHHY. As we sat and waited in the ultrasound room for the tech, my heart was pounding and I kept repeating to myself, "it's going to be OK." I was like I knew what was about to happen...

The tech came in and said "so this is your first scan?" I said, "well, under normal circumstances" and she proceeded. Dr. Jan and his NP came in the room and the scan began. Dr. Jan just stood and stared at the screen for a minute and everyone was silent until he said, "I am having trouble seeing a heartbeat." In that moment, my world came crashing down. He then took over and attempted for the next 5 minutes to find a heartbeat, turning on and off the sound. He ultimately found a very slow, sluggish heartbeat, but certainly not what it was supposed to be. I was also now measuring a full week behind. Basically, Dr. Jan said it was over, and we discussed our options--D&C vs. natural miscarriage. He suggested a D&C so that we could do genetic testing since it was now my second miscarriage. However, he wanted me to come back Monday morning to make sure it really was over before scheduling the D&C.

That was the worst weekend of my life. I still felt pregnant--in fact the most pregnant I had felt. To top it off, B's mom and step-dad were in town and stayed with us Sunday and Monday nights. So, I had to grieve in silence while trying to put on a happy hostess face for them. It was miserable.

The end was confirmed Monday morning and my D&C was scheduled for the next afternoon. We planned to have genetic testing in order to attempt to determine the cause of the miscarriage and hoped that would give us some sort of answer and plan of attack for our next round. Unfortunately, Dr. Jan called me the next week to inform me that they were unable to perform the genetic testing. I was upset and confused and needed some time off. He suggested I wait until I get my next period and then we perform some recurrent miscarriage tests to see if there was an issue with me.

I'm Pregnant!

It turns out I didn't have to wait two weeks for the ultrasound. I woke up the morning of March 17th with terrible stomach cramps. I layed in bed for awhile willing them to go away. When they didn't, I started to read the Devil Book, aka What To Expect When You're Expecting, and convinced myself I was either having a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy. Therefore, I called Dr. Jan's office in tears and was quickly given a morning appointment. B and I raced to his office and were taken right back to a room. Dr. Jan tried to comfort me by telling me that this happens, if there is no blood (there wasn't) that is good, and it was probably a cyst that had ruptured. He then did an ultrasound and said, "there's your baby." I was mesmerized. B says he teared up. Then Dr. Jan measured the sacs. At that point, I was at 5w4d, but the sac was only measuring 4w6d. I expressed concern to Dr. Jan and he brushed me off with the fact that the ultrasound can be up to a week off and everything was fine. So, we went on our way with our picture of our little one.

The following Thursday happened to be my 31st b-day. I went to Court that morning and then to the office. I went to the bathroom shortly after returning to the office in the late morning and noticed a little tiny bit of bright red on the tp. I kept wiping and a small dot of bright red kept appearing. I was struck with fear. Could this really be happening on my b-day? Was this the end? I went back to my office and called B in tears. He made me call Dr. Jan's office, who told me I had to go home right away and spend the rest of the day on bed rest. I quickly found someone to handle a Court appearance I had the next morning and left the office. I spent the rest of the day in bed crying and praying that everything would be OK.

Early the next morning, we went to Dr. Jan's office for another ultrasound. Everything looked fine and there was a heartbeat! I was overjoyed as we watched the flash on the screen. I asked Dr. Jan what the heartrate was and he said it was "irrelevant" at that point. WTF? But, ok, I guess. Also, although I was 6w3d, I was still measuring a few days behind. Again, Dr. Jan said it didn't matter and everything looked great. We scheduled a regular appointment for one week from that day.

IVF #2

Where was I? Oh yes, moving on to IVF #2. We went for our post-IVF consult with Dr. Jan and he recommended that we basically do the same thing, just start with the higher dose of drugs I ultimately ended up on. So, with my next period, in I went to get started. Well, it seems the cyst aspiration I had prior to IVF #1 was just a temporary fix, as I had another cyst. Dr. Jan recommended that once I started my period, we aspirate the cyst and proceed to IVF. However, my period didn't want to cooperate and took a little hiatus. And then, when she did arrive, the timing of our cycle conflicted with a ski trip we had planned to Whistler. We considered backing out, but Dr. Jan suggested we go, have fun, and start the following month. As he said, you aren't going to be able to ski for awhile, so you may as well now.

We ended up aspirating the cyst with my next period and starting IVF #2 in early February. This time we retrieved eight eggs, but only six fertilized. All six were growing and dividing normally and on transfer day, we had three blasts and one early blast. We transferred the three blasts and ended up freezing the early blast the next day (when it had fully expanded into a blast). My Beta was scheduled for 3/7 and I remember B saying "lucky seven."

This time, I knew I was going to test at home. My first test was 4 dp5dt and it was, of course, negative. I was simply testing to make sure the trigger had left my system and, it had. So, from here on out if there were any lines, they wouldn't be false. I tested again the morning of 7dp5dt. I got up early, tested and immediately put the stick down and took our 8 week old puppy outside to go potty. I remember standing there staring at the moon (yes, it was that early), thinking please let it be positive. My heart was pounding as I checked the test and, sure enough, a faint second line. I woke B up, who looked at it and said "please don't get too excited." How could I not? For the time being, I was pregnant. Of course, I was terrified that it would end up like it had the last time so, I was determined to test everyday to make sure the line was getting darker. B told me not to, but I did anyway, and the lines did darken. By the morning of my Beta, the line was a lot darker than the control line. I went into my Beta hopeful that this was the one. My Beta was a resounding 475. I was to continue all meds and return in two days for a repeat Beta. I was thrilled and terrified at the same time.

When I went in for my second Beta, the nurse explained that we were looking for it to double. I remember thinking I wanted 1,000--that would be my sign that everything was OK. Well, not quite 1,000, but 941. But, it didn't double I said. The nurse checked with Dr. Jan who advised that no repeat Betas were necessary, it was a "strong pregnancy" and I "had nothing to worry about until this kid went off to college." We scheduled my first ultrasound for 3/21 and I had no idea how I was going to get through the next two weeks.

IVF #1

We took a loan out on B's 401(k) to pay for the aspiration/IVF (about $15,000) and four days later I began my stims. I didn't respond that well at first and my drugs were increased. After 11 days of drugs, we proceeded to retrieval and only 6 eggs were retrieved. We were disappointed and Dr. Jan explained that we would probably have to do a 3-day transfer as there wouldn't be enough to grow to blast. However, all 6 fertilized and then 5 divided and grew, so we ended up going to blast. We arrived at Dr. Jan's office on transfer day and were informed that there were 3 blasts. Dr. Jan recommended transferring all 3 so we could increase my odds of getting pregnant due to my severe endometriosis, which would likely affect implantation. He then left so we could discuss. As soon as he left, B said, "so we are transferring two?" He was terrified of having triplets. I told him I would prefer to transfer 3 as I didn't want to get a BFN and then wonder what if. So, he agreed and we transferred 3 blasts. I was on bedrest for three days and then the dreaded two-week wait. My beta was to be on the Monday after Thanksgiving and I hadn't decided whether I would take a HPT or not. After the first week and going from being convinced I was pregnant to convinced it didn't work, I knew I had to take a test. So, Thanksgiving morning, I got up early and tested. It was the faintest positive you have ever seen. I woke B up to see what he thought. We were cautiously optimistic. We had a quiet Thanksgiving dinner with my parents and then B and my Dad left early Friday morning for Pebble Beach to play golf for the weekend. My Mom and I shopped and I tried to stay optimistic, but I continued to dwell on the faintness of the test. So, Saturday morning, I tested again. The line was exactly the same, not lighter, not darker. I didn't really know what that meant, so I bought a digital test and tested again on Sunday afternoon. When the word came up "pregnant" I was thrilled. When B got home that night, I showed him the pregnant test and we were excited. I went for my Beta the next morning and told Dr. Jan that I had taken a test and it was positive. He and all the girls in his office cheered and said they would call me with my results later that afternoon. When Lisa, my favorite nurse, called me that afternoon, she said it was positive. I asked what the number was and she said 29--I knew that wasn't good. She said to remain optimistic, continue my meds, and come back on Weds. for a second Beta.

Those two days were hell, but I tried to stay optimistic and frantically researched all low Betas that turned into RLBs. On Weds., my Beta had gone up to 31. B and I talked to Dr. Jan that afternoon and he said that it was probably a chemical pregnancy and that I should continue my meds and come in the following morning for another Beta.

I knew at that point it was over, and Thurs. was the confirmation--Beta came back at 25, it was going down. I was advised to stop all meds. and make an appt. with Dr. Jan for a consult to go over the cycle and where we would go from there.

I was so incredibly sad and distraught and it didn't help that very few people in my life knew what we were going through. B would try to comfort me and it would make it worse, I was prickly and confused and didn't know what to do.

After a couple weeks of feeling sorry for myself, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and moved forward--on to IVF#2.