77,602 Reasons Why

I'm baaaaack (again). I started this blog when I was in a really dark place and needed to share. I came back a couple times when I needed to, but then I got away from that place and needed to not focus on me so much and never really got it going. However, I find myself in that place more and more these days and, so, I have decided that I am going to keep up with this. If nothing more than to document what I am going through and to have a place to vent. I will finish my "history" story and get up to date to where we are now (although, not really in a different place than when we started, just a more f'ed up place) soon. For now, I want to talk about the 77,602 reasons why this should have worked.

I just added up the amount of money that we have spent, out of pocket, since our journey began. Yes, you guessed it, $77,602.03. It makes me sick to my stomach to look at that number. The crazy thing is, I am chomping at the bit to start IVF #5. Ready and willing to pay another $12,000 (approx.) to go for another ride. All based on a hope that it will work this time...this time will be the one. We'll be staring $90,000 in the face after this cycle.
Of course, it will have all been worth it, and more, if we end up with a take home baby. It just shows that you can have all the persistence in the world, go to the best doctors, and throw a frightening amount of money at this thing called Infertility and still not conquer it.

The terrifying thing is that there are no guarantees. There is a very good chance (just look at my history) that we will just be out $90,000 with nothing (rather than a few positive pregnancy tests, a lot of heartache, and a very broken C) to show for it. However, the small glimmer of hope keeps me going--I attach to that and ride it thinking this is definitely the one.