Wherein I Lose My Shit

A couple of weeks ago, one of my friends in my office was laid off. I feel terrible for her, especially because her husband recently lost his job, as well. But, honestly, I was a little relieved. Why? Because she just started trying to get pregnant and I knew that I wouldn't have to be confronted with it on a daily basis. Yesterday was her last day, and yesterday she told me that she is pregnant. First month trying. So, part of me was not sad that I won't see her everyday for the next 9 months.

About a week ago, another girl in my office (who I am not really friends with) fainted. My first thought? Rather than, "is she ok," it was "I bet she's pregnant." Well, she is. 4 months along. Like I said, I'm not really friends with her, so it won't be something I'll have to deal with on an everyday basis, but it's there.

And, finally, just to emphasize what an awful person this crap has made me, another girl in my office who is out on maternity leave (she got pregnant on "accident" and already kicked her boyfriend, father of the baby, out of the house--a week after baby was born) came by with the baby this week. I heard them down the hall and just knew I couldn't deal. So, I closed the door of my office and called my Dad and told him he had to talk to me so I could pretend I was on an important call. It worked, they walked right by, but I really feel like a terrible person and wonder if I will ever be able to be honestly happy for people that get pregnant and have babies easily. What I really wonder is if it will ever be me.

In other news, one-day work-up at CCRM is scheduled for next Wednesday. In the midst of all of the above drama, I had to deal with scheduling that (with a nurse who wasn't very pleasant) and realized that just the traveling portion of it will cost us about a grand. It all happened on the same day and I was at my wit's end. B and I talked that night, as he was freaking out about the money aspect of it, and having to take another day off of work (he's been gone a lot lately), and we ultimately agreed that this is something that we need to do. So, we are. The next day, B's horoscope was, "Your beliefs about money may be keeping you from taking action to make your wishes come true. What you dream about isn't going to be as expensive as you think. But not going for it will cost you a piece of your soul." Very apropos, no?

The Mind Is A Terrible Thing

Last week my acupuncturist was concerned that my HCG had not gone back down as he said I was still hormonal according to my pulse. The last Beta I had was three weeks ago and it was at 4,500 and change. Dr. M didn't think we needed to do another one (at least he never mentioned that I should) and I no longer felt pregnant after the majority of the bleeding was over.

Then I started to feel pregnant again. So I took a test on Sunday morning. It wasn't definitely positive. But I can see something there. Like a shadow of a line. But, I have to have some imagination to see it. I honestly don't know if there is something there or if my mind is messing with me. And, even if there was a line there, it probably is just leftover HCG from the blighted ovum. Right?

Consulted and Insulted

We had our follow-up consult with Dr. Surrey at CCRM on Tuesday. It went relatively well. Basically, he agrees that it is most likely an egg issue and our best chance would be through an egg donor. That said, he agreed that a cycle with CGH/microarray is a feasible option and would, if nothing more, "at least give us an answer." He doesn't believe in immune issues and said he wouldn't even put me on the Prednisone and Lovenox that I was on for the last two cycles. However, we have pretty much made up our minds that we will go forward with a CGH/microarray cycle at CCRM. We have some insurance that will pay for part of the cycle and, as Surrey said, it will give us an answer, if not a baby. I think it would make the DE decision a lot easier to make knowing that my eggs are the issue. So, we'll head out to CCRM and do our one-day workup with my next cycle and then cycle in September or October.

I rehashed the CCRM consult with Dr. M that afternoon and he agrees that CGH is the way to go. He told me to call him if I need anything in the meantime and that he is "in this for the long haul." Sigh....
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On to a completely different topic....I read an article this morning that sparks an issue I have been struggling with for the past couple years. About a month after my D&C after IVF #2, I received a significant raise. I remember thinking that the miscarriage was OK as there was no way I would have received the raise had I been pregnant. The industry I am in is just not mommy friendly. You have to make a decision--your career or family. Yes, you can do both, but it doesn't seem that you are going to do either well, especially in my specialty, which requires ridiculously long hours. I haven't had to face the decision, yet, and have been fairly successful in my career thus far. Would I give it all up in a heartbeat for a baby? Of course. Do I wish that I could have both? Absolutely. I guess we'll see where the chips fall when they do. Until then, I work my ass off to pay for the opportunity to get the one thing that I want so bad that will apparently ruin my career.

Up and Down

One minute, I'm fine and looking forward to our consult with CCRM and the potential of a cycle there. The next, I am convinced that it will be a waste of time and money and simply more heartache. I feel scattered and schizophrenic. Hopefully the actual consult will give me a better feeling one way or the other. Until then, I may need a straightjacket.

Not As Expected

I saw Dr. M for the final time as his patient this morning. The good news is that my uterus is clear and it was the easiest miscarriage, ever. He said, "I guess we should have expected it would not go as expected with you."

The bad, or actually sad, news is that I am no longer his patient. It was hard. He said that he wished I was leaving because I was pregnant. I told him he couldn't succeed with everyone, but he has had so much success that I am sure it is difficult to not be able to provide that for each of his patients. He asked me if I had everything I needed for the consult next week. He also asked me to call and let him know how the consult went. I told him I would. It was a quick appointment and he was gone like that. It wasn't what I expected, although I am not sure what I expected. I guess it is just hard to believe that this is the end of our journey with him.

So, onward and upward (hopefully).

The Break Up

I broke up with Dr. M today. What did he do to deserve this? Gave me the donor egg talk.

We had our follow-up consult (by phone) with Dr. M this afternoon. First, I filled him in on the lack of bleeding/pain I have been experiencing. He said I need to come in for a scan. (I go in tomorrow morning and hopefully this will just have been the easiest miscarriage ever.)

Then we moved on to the reason he wanted us all to talk again. He said that based on what happened with this last cycle, and the fact that my uterus supported and held on to a failing pregnancy, he no longer thinks that a GS is the right choice. Rather, he thinks that DE would be more appropriate. That said, he didn't say that was our only option. He seemed open to me cycling again with my eggs. I asked about CGH and we discussed the issues with it in detail. He said that basically only two clinics are doing it in the US. When I told him that if we pursued it, it would be with Colorado, he was relieved. We then talked about the doctors in Colorado we are looking into (Schoolcraft and Surrey) and he had nothing but great things to say about them both. He agreed that CGH was a good next step for us and said that he would call and discuss me with either doctor in Colorado if we needed him to and "of course" would do my monitoring if we do cycle there.

It makes me really sad that our path with Dr. M has ended. He is a fabulous doctor and person and I wanted to have success with him. I also know that I won't be able to duplicate this relationship with any other RE, especially if cycling out-of-state. That said, I know this is the right choice for us right now. So, I'll go home and bake for the final time (for now, perhaps more if we do a CCRM cycle and he does our monitoring) for Dr. M. And next week we will have our follow-up consult with CCRM and start down that path.

Over...Again

Scan and blood yesterday. Scan showed empty gestational sac that had grown a little. HCG went up, but basically plateaued, to 4,555. I started light bleeding on Tuesday so, we decided to let my body continue to handle this. Hopefully the pain won't be too bad as we are headed to the desert for the weekend for a friend's 40th/4th of July. I think I am being a little naive about how bad it might be, though.

I asked Dr. M if the fact that this turned out to be a blighted ovum, rather than the chemical pregnancy we originally thought, changed his opinion about a gestational surrogate being the way to go. He said it did. He didn't want to tell me DE were the way to go at that point and wanted me to schedule a follow-up so the three of us could talk in light of this new development. It is scheduled for Monday afternoon. I am guessing that he will give us the DE talk then. I guess he wanted B to be there?

I am still processing all of this and just can't believe we are here--DE or GS. We just can't afford to pursue a GS right now and it sounds like it may not even be worth it. As for DE, I vacillate between being totally OK with it and it terrifying me. So, we have preliminarily decided to take a different path. Our plan, for the moment, is to do another cycle with my eggs at CCRM and do CGH. Hopefully that will give us a complete picture of whether our embryos are viable. There are of course, a lot of issues with this choice that need to be discussed such as cost, my poor response, and the failure of all of our embryos to survive the thaw. But, for now, this is the option that we are going to pursue. We have a follow-up consult with CCRM on July 14. Until then, I am going to try to take a break from all this craziness and find some happiness again. Oh, and miscarry...