Wherein I Lose My Shit

A couple of weeks ago, one of my friends in my office was laid off. I feel terrible for her, especially because her husband recently lost his job, as well. But, honestly, I was a little relieved. Why? Because she just started trying to get pregnant and I knew that I wouldn't have to be confronted with it on a daily basis. Yesterday was her last day, and yesterday she told me that she is pregnant. First month trying. So, part of me was not sad that I won't see her everyday for the next 9 months.

About a week ago, another girl in my office (who I am not really friends with) fainted. My first thought? Rather than, "is she ok," it was "I bet she's pregnant." Well, she is. 4 months along. Like I said, I'm not really friends with her, so it won't be something I'll have to deal with on an everyday basis, but it's there.

And, finally, just to emphasize what an awful person this crap has made me, another girl in my office who is out on maternity leave (she got pregnant on "accident" and already kicked her boyfriend, father of the baby, out of the house--a week after baby was born) came by with the baby this week. I heard them down the hall and just knew I couldn't deal. So, I closed the door of my office and called my Dad and told him he had to talk to me so I could pretend I was on an important call. It worked, they walked right by, but I really feel like a terrible person and wonder if I will ever be able to be honestly happy for people that get pregnant and have babies easily. What I really wonder is if it will ever be me.

In other news, one-day work-up at CCRM is scheduled for next Wednesday. In the midst of all of the above drama, I had to deal with scheduling that (with a nurse who wasn't very pleasant) and realized that just the traveling portion of it will cost us about a grand. It all happened on the same day and I was at my wit's end. B and I talked that night, as he was freaking out about the money aspect of it, and having to take another day off of work (he's been gone a lot lately), and we ultimately agreed that this is something that we need to do. So, we are. The next day, B's horoscope was, "Your beliefs about money may be keeping you from taking action to make your wishes come true. What you dream about isn't going to be as expensive as you think. But not going for it will cost you a piece of your soul." Very apropos, no?