I am sick of it. Sick of getting bad news. Sick of having my heart broken again and again. I don't understand why we can't catch a break.
Why do people who so deserve to have a baby have to be given the glimmer of opportunity, only to be shit upon once again?
My heat is broken for Mo and Sprog. I don't know them, and they certainly don't know me, but we are in this together and that counts for something.
Still, despite this crap of a week, we are in this together, and we will soldier on and, hopefully, survive.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
One-Day Whirlwind
I am exhausted, but we survived.
Our flight left at 8 pm on Tuesday night, we got to our hotel in CO a little after midnight. We were in bed by 1. We had to be at CCRM at 7:30. At about 5 am a cell phone started ringing, it sounded like it was in our room, and was the same ring that I use for B's calls on my phone. It wasn't my phone or B, who was in bed asleep next to me. It kept ringing every 15 minutes for the next hour, until I finally got up at 6.
We had a quick breakfast at our hotel before we left for CCRM. I watched the plane with Euna Lee and Laura Ling land and their family greet them live, and I sobbed in the lobby of the hotel.
Got to CCRM right on time. It is amazing--so big. A bastion of infertility in the middle of nowhere.
Our first appt. was ultrasound/doppler at 7:30. It took about 10 minutes and everything looked great, except for the cyst I have on the left.
Next was the hysteroscopy. Met Surrey in person for the first time, talked about LA, he did the procedure and said everything looked great.
We then had our sit-down with him. We discussed that my embryos look good, the tests that we had done (all looked good so far), were going to do, the two protocols that he is considering for me, and timing. He said we should have a follow-up phone consult in a couple weeks once all results are in.
Next was B's turn for fun. I asked him movie or magazine. He said movie and he thinks he has seen it before.
We then met with the genetic counselor. She recognized that we weren't newbies and we had a quick conversation about our options, statistics, etc.
Next was our nurse consult. She acknowledged that we knew what we were doing and we combined the two consults, that are supposed to be an hour each, into one meeting that lasted about 30 min.
Next was the Business Office. She commented on the number of cycles we had done. We went over prices for everything (!) and discussed the insurance coverage that we have left.
Finally, we had the consent review. Again, a comment, questions, and shock expressed about how many cycles we had done. We finished the consents in about 15 minutes--she said she normally has to give them to people to take home because it takes so long.
We were then done with CCRM--a little over an hour early--and had a couple hours to kill before my HSG across the street at the Hospital. We went to a Mexican restaurant and I rewarded myself with a mini Margarita. We discussed the fact that the morning had gone well and the only thing I was shocked with was everybody's shock at how experienced we were and how many cycles we had done. I figured that CCRM would be used to having people who have been through the infertility wringer.
After lunch we headed to the hospital for my HSG ( I figured it would be easiest to get it done when out there). B was exhausted and I told him to sleep, so I went in by myself. A nurse came and got me and took me back. Once we were in the room she started to give me the drill and was really out of breath. I asked her if she was ok, she said "yes, i am just pregnant and he is sitting on my lungs." I would pay money to see what my expression was at that moment....
The HSG was fine. Apparently, both tubes are clear, which is odd. They had problems with the left and I told them that it was pinned down, but then it started flowing.
After my HSG, we had about 7 hours before our flight. B would have been fine taking a nap in the car and then going straight to the airport, but damn it, we paid the money to come to Denver, we might as well see it. So, we drove aimlessly toward downtown. We didn't really know we were going, or anything about downtown Denver, but we ended up parking the car and walking around. We got the dog a new collar and leash and had appetizers and some wine and a really good/cute restaurant. It was, actually, a really nice way to end the day.
We didn't get home until 11:30, and I am tired, but it will hopefully all be worth it one day.
Our flight left at 8 pm on Tuesday night, we got to our hotel in CO a little after midnight. We were in bed by 1. We had to be at CCRM at 7:30. At about 5 am a cell phone started ringing, it sounded like it was in our room, and was the same ring that I use for B's calls on my phone. It wasn't my phone or B, who was in bed asleep next to me. It kept ringing every 15 minutes for the next hour, until I finally got up at 6.
We had a quick breakfast at our hotel before we left for CCRM. I watched the plane with Euna Lee and Laura Ling land and their family greet them live, and I sobbed in the lobby of the hotel.
Got to CCRM right on time. It is amazing--so big. A bastion of infertility in the middle of nowhere.
Our first appt. was ultrasound/doppler at 7:30. It took about 10 minutes and everything looked great, except for the cyst I have on the left.
Next was the hysteroscopy. Met Surrey in person for the first time, talked about LA, he did the procedure and said everything looked great.
We then had our sit-down with him. We discussed that my embryos look good, the tests that we had done (all looked good so far), were going to do, the two protocols that he is considering for me, and timing. He said we should have a follow-up phone consult in a couple weeks once all results are in.
Next was B's turn for fun. I asked him movie or magazine. He said movie and he thinks he has seen it before.
We then met with the genetic counselor. She recognized that we weren't newbies and we had a quick conversation about our options, statistics, etc.
Next was our nurse consult. She acknowledged that we knew what we were doing and we combined the two consults, that are supposed to be an hour each, into one meeting that lasted about 30 min.
Next was the Business Office. She commented on the number of cycles we had done. We went over prices for everything (!) and discussed the insurance coverage that we have left.
Finally, we had the consent review. Again, a comment, questions, and shock expressed about how many cycles we had done. We finished the consents in about 15 minutes--she said she normally has to give them to people to take home because it takes so long.
We were then done with CCRM--a little over an hour early--and had a couple hours to kill before my HSG across the street at the Hospital. We went to a Mexican restaurant and I rewarded myself with a mini Margarita. We discussed the fact that the morning had gone well and the only thing I was shocked with was everybody's shock at how experienced we were and how many cycles we had done. I figured that CCRM would be used to having people who have been through the infertility wringer.
After lunch we headed to the hospital for my HSG ( I figured it would be easiest to get it done when out there). B was exhausted and I told him to sleep, so I went in by myself. A nurse came and got me and took me back. Once we were in the room she started to give me the drill and was really out of breath. I asked her if she was ok, she said "yes, i am just pregnant and he is sitting on my lungs." I would pay money to see what my expression was at that moment....
The HSG was fine. Apparently, both tubes are clear, which is odd. They had problems with the left and I told them that it was pinned down, but then it started flowing.
After my HSG, we had about 7 hours before our flight. B would have been fine taking a nap in the car and then going straight to the airport, but damn it, we paid the money to come to Denver, we might as well see it. So, we drove aimlessly toward downtown. We didn't really know we were going, or anything about downtown Denver, but we ended up parking the car and walking around. We got the dog a new collar and leash and had appetizers and some wine and a really good/cute restaurant. It was, actually, a really nice way to end the day.
We didn't get home until 11:30, and I am tired, but it will hopefully all be worth it one day.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Wherein I Lose My Shit
A couple of weeks ago, one of my friends in my office was laid off. I feel terrible for her, especially because her husband recently lost his job, as well. But, honestly, I was a little relieved. Why? Because she just started trying to get pregnant and I knew that I wouldn't have to be confronted with it on a daily basis. Yesterday was her last day, and yesterday she told me that she is pregnant. First month trying. So, part of me was not sad that I won't see her everyday for the next 9 months.
About a week ago, another girl in my office (who I am not really friends with) fainted. My first thought? Rather than, "is she ok," it was "I bet she's pregnant." Well, she is. 4 months along. Like I said, I'm not really friends with her, so it won't be something I'll have to deal with on an everyday basis, but it's there.
And, finally, just to emphasize what an awful person this crap has made me, another girl in my office who is out on maternity leave (she got pregnant on "accident" and already kicked her boyfriend, father of the baby, out of the house--a week after baby was born) came by with the baby this week. I heard them down the hall and just knew I couldn't deal. So, I closed the door of my office and called my Dad and told him he had to talk to me so I could pretend I was on an important call. It worked, they walked right by, but I really feel like a terrible person and wonder if I will ever be able to be honestly happy for people that get pregnant and have babies easily. What I really wonder is if it will ever be me.
In other news, one-day work-up at CCRM is scheduled for next Wednesday. In the midst of all of the above drama, I had to deal with scheduling that (with a nurse who wasn't very pleasant) and realized that just the traveling portion of it will cost us about a grand. It all happened on the same day and I was at my wit's end. B and I talked that night, as he was freaking out about the money aspect of it, and having to take another day off of work (he's been gone a lot lately), and we ultimately agreed that this is something that we need to do. So, we are. The next day, B's horoscope was, "Your beliefs about money may be keeping you from taking action to make your wishes come true. What you dream about isn't going to be as expensive as you think. But not going for it will cost you a piece of your soul." Very apropos, no?
About a week ago, another girl in my office (who I am not really friends with) fainted. My first thought? Rather than, "is she ok," it was "I bet she's pregnant." Well, she is. 4 months along. Like I said, I'm not really friends with her, so it won't be something I'll have to deal with on an everyday basis, but it's there.
And, finally, just to emphasize what an awful person this crap has made me, another girl in my office who is out on maternity leave (she got pregnant on "accident" and already kicked her boyfriend, father of the baby, out of the house--a week after baby was born) came by with the baby this week. I heard them down the hall and just knew I couldn't deal. So, I closed the door of my office and called my Dad and told him he had to talk to me so I could pretend I was on an important call. It worked, they walked right by, but I really feel like a terrible person and wonder if I will ever be able to be honestly happy for people that get pregnant and have babies easily. What I really wonder is if it will ever be me.
In other news, one-day work-up at CCRM is scheduled for next Wednesday. In the midst of all of the above drama, I had to deal with scheduling that (with a nurse who wasn't very pleasant) and realized that just the traveling portion of it will cost us about a grand. It all happened on the same day and I was at my wit's end. B and I talked that night, as he was freaking out about the money aspect of it, and having to take another day off of work (he's been gone a lot lately), and we ultimately agreed that this is something that we need to do. So, we are. The next day, B's horoscope was, "Your beliefs about money may be keeping you from taking action to make your wishes come true. What you dream about isn't going to be as expensive as you think. But not going for it will cost you a piece of your soul." Very apropos, no?
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The Mind Is A Terrible Thing
Last week my acupuncturist was concerned that my HCG had not gone back down as he said I was still hormonal according to my pulse. The last Beta I had was three weeks ago and it was at 4,500 and change. Dr. M didn't think we needed to do another one (at least he never mentioned that I should) and I no longer felt pregnant after the majority of the bleeding was over.
Then I started to feel pregnant again. So I took a test on Sunday morning. It wasn't definitely positive. But I can see something there. Like a shadow of a line. But, I have to have some imagination to see it. I honestly don't know if there is something there or if my mind is messing with me. And, even if there was a line there, it probably is just leftover HCG from the blighted ovum. Right?
Then I started to feel pregnant again. So I took a test on Sunday morning. It wasn't definitely positive. But I can see something there. Like a shadow of a line. But, I have to have some imagination to see it. I honestly don't know if there is something there or if my mind is messing with me. And, even if there was a line there, it probably is just leftover HCG from the blighted ovum. Right?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Consulted and Insulted
We had our follow-up consult with Dr. Surrey at CCRM on Tuesday. It went relatively well. Basically, he agrees that it is most likely an egg issue and our best chance would be through an egg donor. That said, he agreed that a cycle with CGH/microarray is a feasible option and would, if nothing more, "at least give us an answer." He doesn't believe in immune issues and said he wouldn't even put me on the Prednisone and Lovenox that I was on for the last two cycles. However, we have pretty much made up our minds that we will go forward with a CGH/microarray cycle at CCRM. We have some insurance that will pay for part of the cycle and, as Surrey said, it will give us an answer, if not a baby. I think it would make the DE decision a lot easier to make knowing that my eggs are the issue. So, we'll head out to CCRM and do our one-day workup with my next cycle and then cycle in September or October.
I rehashed the CCRM consult with Dr. M that afternoon and he agrees that CGH is the way to go. He told me to call him if I need anything in the meantime and that he is "in this for the long haul." Sigh....
---------------------------------
On to a completely different topic....I read an article this morning that sparks an issue I have been struggling with for the past couple years. About a month after my D&C after IVF #2, I received a significant raise. I remember thinking that the miscarriage was OK as there was no way I would have received the raise had I been pregnant. The industry I am in is just not mommy friendly. You have to make a decision--your career or family. Yes, you can do both, but it doesn't seem that you are going to do either well, especially in my specialty, which requires ridiculously long hours. I haven't had to face the decision, yet, and have been fairly successful in my career thus far. Would I give it all up in a heartbeat for a baby? Of course. Do I wish that I could have both? Absolutely. I guess we'll see where the chips fall when they do. Until then, I work my ass off to pay for the opportunity to get the one thing that I want so bad that will apparently ruin my career.
I rehashed the CCRM consult with Dr. M that afternoon and he agrees that CGH is the way to go. He told me to call him if I need anything in the meantime and that he is "in this for the long haul." Sigh....
---------------------------------
On to a completely different topic....I read an article this morning that sparks an issue I have been struggling with for the past couple years. About a month after my D&C after IVF #2, I received a significant raise. I remember thinking that the miscarriage was OK as there was no way I would have received the raise had I been pregnant. The industry I am in is just not mommy friendly. You have to make a decision--your career or family. Yes, you can do both, but it doesn't seem that you are going to do either well, especially in my specialty, which requires ridiculously long hours. I haven't had to face the decision, yet, and have been fairly successful in my career thus far. Would I give it all up in a heartbeat for a baby? Of course. Do I wish that I could have both? Absolutely. I guess we'll see where the chips fall when they do. Until then, I work my ass off to pay for the opportunity to get the one thing that I want so bad that will apparently ruin my career.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Up and Down
One minute, I'm fine and looking forward to our consult with CCRM and the potential of a cycle there. The next, I am convinced that it will be a waste of time and money and simply more heartache. I feel scattered and schizophrenic. Hopefully the actual consult will give me a better feeling one way or the other. Until then, I may need a straightjacket.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Not As Expected
I saw Dr. M for the final time as his patient this morning. The good news is that my uterus is clear and it was the easiest miscarriage, ever. He said, "I guess we should have expected it would not go as expected with you."
The bad, or actually sad, news is that I am no longer his patient. It was hard. He said that he wished I was leaving because I was pregnant. I told him he couldn't succeed with everyone, but he has had so much success that I am sure it is difficult to not be able to provide that for each of his patients. He asked me if I had everything I needed for the consult next week. He also asked me to call and let him know how the consult went. I told him I would. It was a quick appointment and he was gone like that. It wasn't what I expected, although I am not sure what I expected. I guess it is just hard to believe that this is the end of our journey with him.
So, onward and upward (hopefully).
The bad, or actually sad, news is that I am no longer his patient. It was hard. He said that he wished I was leaving because I was pregnant. I told him he couldn't succeed with everyone, but he has had so much success that I am sure it is difficult to not be able to provide that for each of his patients. He asked me if I had everything I needed for the consult next week. He also asked me to call and let him know how the consult went. I told him I would. It was a quick appointment and he was gone like that. It wasn't what I expected, although I am not sure what I expected. I guess it is just hard to believe that this is the end of our journey with him.
So, onward and upward (hopefully).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)